Goodbye
by MiM99
Summary: There aren’t any flowers, just a simple candle, that’s unlit, and it’s sad that nobody seems to care anymore. If they ever did. COMPLETE


**A/N: I know it's been a while since the whole 'Cassidy is a muderer' thing, but in Denmark Mac and Cassidy haven't even begun dating. However, I watched some clips on the internet and I wanted to write something. So, here it is. I hope you like it.**

**GOODBYE**

It's not summer, yet it's isn't winter either. Actually it is early October, and the clock has just turned 12. The trees aren't completely dead, but the leaves' colour are starting to change from beautiful green to a sad brown, and the wind is slightly cold, just enough to make her shivers.

Or perhaps that's because of where she is, or what she's about to do.

She walks slowly, her steps small and unsure. Her eyes are staring at the grey stone a few feet ahead of her, the bold letters on it already bringing tears to her eyes. There isn't any flowers, just a simply candle, that's unlit, and it's sad that nobody seems to care anymore. If they ever did.

Her feet stop and she looks away and close her eyes. Fresh tears run down her cheeks, but she will not let herself sob. Maybe she can't stop the tears, but she can stop the sound. At least for now.

It is the first time she is here, and it will probably be the last. She doesn't like places like this, especially not this place. It only brings back ugly memories and a few sweet ones, that makes her heart ache and her eyes blur, but somehow manages to make her smile, too. She's not sure what she hates most, that he can still make her cry? Or that he can still make her smile?

When she reaches the gravestone, she just stares at it for some time. Maybe it's seconds or minutes. Perhaps it's hours, she doesn't know, and really, what does it matter?

Finally she sits down just beside _him_ and her hands are trembling, and her sight is blurry. She really doesn't want to cry, it mean she's weak and it means that even though she want to be, she's not over it. Over him. But she does, she cries, really cries. She can't hold it back any longer, the tears are just falling and heartbreaking noises are escaping her mouth. Somebody is sure to see, but she doesn't care.

She doesn't care that they'll pity her, whisper about the girlfriend of the crazy kid…

She doesn't care that they won't understand, because all they ever knew him as was Beaver…

She doesn't care that she has finally blown her cover, that people will know that she isn't okay…

She. Does. Not. Care.

So she sobs, letting it all out, everything she kept bottled up for years. And it feels good, really goods. It doesn't make the pain any less or heals the wound that is her heart, but in a weird way it comforts her. She doesn't have to pretend anymore.

--

It's about an hour later and she has no more tears, at least not right now. Her eyes are red and puffy from crying and her noose is slightly pink. Black stripes of mascara are on her cheeks, and her dark hair with bits of purple is messed up, but she couldn't care less. Beautiful was never all that important to her, and it certainly isn't now, as she sits by the gravestone of her dead boyfriend.

Right now all that matters is the letter in her hand. She's not entirely ready to let go, so for some minutes she stays where she is, staring at his name, his real name. She's happy they left 'Beaver' out of it, he had done some truly horrible things, but that much he deserved.

Her fingers outline the letters.

'Cassidy Casablancas'.

She can't bring herself to say it out loud, when just thinking it hurts more than she is willing to admit. She's not sure she'll ever be able to say his name, because it brings back so many memories, of both the boy she knew and the darker sides he had, the ones he had shown her on few occasions.

And that is exactly why she is there, and she knows she can't wait any longer.

She pulls a lighter out of her pocket and slowly she lits the candle, smiling softly as it burns beautifully. She drops the letter down next to the white candle, and with one last look, she stands up, turns around and walks away.

It hurts her like hell, but she doesn't look back.

--

That night it stormed.

The next morning the candle is out, but her letter is still there, the envelope soaked and dirty, his name that before was written beautifully across it in cursive letters is now nothing but blue dots of ink.

But her words inside is still very clear…

_Dear Cassidy._

_It seems strange writing to you, I mean, how the hell are you ever going to see this? But I guess, if you are meant to, the Gods will find a way to show this to you. But honestly, my faith in the Gods aren't that big anymore._

_I guess what I really want to say is goodbye. It has been what? Two years and never once have I had a day where I haven't thought about you at all. If not in the morning, then at night. Your face haunts me in my dreams and I'm not sure what it means. Are you looking out for me, making sure I'm okay? Or are you just trying to make my life miserable? More than it already is?_

_Maybe there isn't an answer, and even if there is, there's not a chance that I'll ever get it. You're not here to tell me. Besides, I'm not even sure I want to know._

_I wish I could say that I didn't love you. That it was just that you were my first boyfriend and all, pass it off as puppy love, because that would make my life so much easier. But I did love you, and I think I still do. A part of me feels guilty for that. How can I love someone who killed so many people? But I guess, that to me you'll always be sweet Cassidy, who was so beautiful when he smiled and so adorable when he blushed. _

_Not Beaver, the murderer, the rapist._

_Sometimes I wonder who's the real you. Maybe neither are. Maybe both are._

_But I may love you, but that doesn't mean I forgive you. I never can. Not when you did what you did to those kids on the bus, those people on the plane, to Veronica… or to me. You left me with nothing and I'll never know why. I was willing to give you everything I had, but you didn't want it._

_I don't think I've ever loved someone like I loved you, and I don't think I've hated someone like I hate you. It's strange but that is how it is. And I think that when you jumped, a part of me jumped too. Because back then you already had a part of me. Maybe that's why I don't feel completely whole anymore._

_I wouldn't say I'm lost without you, at least not anymore, but I'm completely whole either._

_Most of all I wish I had been able to save you, but when I met you, it was already done. You were already too far gone and no one could have saved you. That doesn't mean I wouldn't have tried though, if only you had told me. But you never would, would you? Even if Veronica had never found out, if she hadn't sent me that message... _

_What **he** did to you, you wanted nobody to know. And because of that, you're gone. And God, I hate him for doing that, and I hate your dad for ignoring you and your mom for leaving, and I hate Dick for treading you so awful, and I hate myself because I didn't see it!_

_But it's done and over with, and you're gone and you can't come back, and I miss you terribly. It's all so confusing, because I wish you would come back, but even if you did, I wouldn't be able to be with you. No matter what, it's a loose/loose situation._

_But why even think about it? It's not possible. So I'm going to stop thinking about it now. I'm going to stop thinking about you, because honestly, if I keep going like this, it will kill me. _

_Two years, it has been two years. And now, now I need my goodbye. I need you to go away, to leave me alone so I will no longer cry in the night or whisper your name in my sleep. I know I'll never be able to forget you, but you need to stop haunting me._

_So Cassidy,_

_Goodbye._


End file.
